Every time I think I'm finally over this bullshit of "obsessing" over you and remembering you and thinking about you.. You always reappear in my dreams and start the "obsession" all over again.

Am I that lonely? That you won't leave me alone? That you won't leave my thoughts? Everything I do I'm constantly imagining you there. It's been how many years.. why won't my mind just shut up? It's starting to become constant, habitual. and we can't have that. I can't have that.


In my dream that I don't remember all that well anymore... You were there for some reason that I can't fathom. My cousin was there too, even stranger. But the weirdest thing were the two kids that were with us. I have no idea who they were or why they were there, but we were watching over them I guess. It was at my house?? You had some embarrassing back tattoos, which is pretty out of character for you I'd think. But what would I know really? Anyway, you were lying in bed with the two kids and moved over to make room for me anddddd really I can't remember anything else. I know some other shit went down but I just don't remember now. I remember being annoyed that I woke up to find it was just a dream...


Why you? I mean really.. it could be anyone. So, why you? Always you. It makes no sense. I went years without thinking about you or remembering you or caring about your existence. So why? And why now...

I've been lonely all this time. Nothing has changed. Except for the fact that thoughts of you just won't leave me alone... What started this? That I don't remember either.


The loneliness is all consuming...

I just woke up from a strange dream.. I don't really remember the first part all too well but after the first part I was riding a GO bus to my old elementary school. I sat next to some lady who was asking me about... what I was learning in school (uni?)?? so I was telling her about that. A girl from my uni in real life, I forget her name, was sitting in the seats across from us. The bus was taking a strange route which didn't make sense, both because it was not the usual GO bus route home from my uni and also because I somehow did end up at my elementary school even though the bus was going in the opposite direction based on the landmarks we had passed by (the church I used to attend as a kid). It was very much the same route I used to take as a kid to my cousin's house. Anyway the lady I was sitting next to got off the bus and she had a huge blanket hiding behind one of the houses on the street. I helped her get the rest of her things. My stop came up I think? Either that or I walked the rest of the way and ended up at my school. I still had time before.. needing to be in class???? So I decided to walk down the street to the corner store and buy some snacks/candy. However it was Lollapalooza day? (I don't even know what Lollapalooza is in rl) and there were events? going on at all the different stores. It was very crowded and difficult to walk by with all the people in my way. I saw some of my classmates on the way but continued on to the corner store, where they had a very shitty selection so I ended up not buying anything. I headed back the way I came towards the school. I passed by P (won't list any rl names) and made eye contact but awkwardly kept walking by lol. I walked a bit further, unsure at this point where to go, when Jt passed me and almost whacked me in the head in the process (look where you're going dream Jt! lol). Jt saw me and we kind of awkwardly came to a stop in front of.. one of the event places? going on. We sat on the bench and I can't remember exactly all the things we said but I was asking him/her what he/she was going to do after... high school graduation (which is weird because it was elem. school... and I was also somehow.. in both uni and high/elem school at the same time? Or they were all in elem/high school and I was uni and visiting?? even tho we're the same age??? lol). I told him/her about how I was so tired, my legs were sore after coming from uni and walking around the lollapalooza stuff and how I hadn't been there for the first half of the day. But yeah we were talking about future plans after high school. He/she said something about being almost? 30 and not having shit together. I was like yeah well I'm 28 (in a month in rl lol) and I don't have my shit together either.
Then W showed up. I asked what everyone was doing and W kinda shrugged and gave me a weird look, almost as if wondering why I was there. Andddddd then I woke up. Yay. No other people from elem. school and none of my now rl friends popped up, oddly. I only very very vaguely remember the first of the dream which is very annoying. I'll try to write the rest if I remember it.

Before I woke up this morning (or yesterday rather) I had a strange dream. Well, it wasn't really that strange but I don't really understand why I sometimes dream about people that aren't in my life anymore and that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Especially when my thoughts during the day before don't pertain to those individuals at all. Sighhh.

Tbh I remember the dream less now but essentially in my dream I saw this person after not having seen them in forever, which is accurate thus it felt very real, and also someone I am actually friends with now was there and I think? her boyfriend was there. There was definitely a fourth person just can't remember who it was. Anyway so I saw this person, then I went to go see my friend and told her about this person, then I came back with friend plus her bf? to hangout with said person. And then I woke up early so I never got to finish the dream.

In other news, I'm starting to get really hyped as it snowed a lot today which means... SNOWBOARD SEASON HELL YEAH. I'm so excited. I just started learning last winter so I'm still a newbie but I fell in love with it. Planning on getting my own gear in the next week or so, hoping for maybe some Black Friday deals. Can't wait to start learning some more. Honestly I hate the summer and it gets annoying when everyone complains about this time of year. Let me have my season!! I should probably move to Norway? or something lol.

And now I should sleep.

Hello internet, anyone listening reading?

It's been awhile since I've blogged/journaled online. My old journal is at darknightfairy on lj and I've also backed up my entries here on dreamwidth under the same username.
I guess I'm gonna attempt to do this again, since I'm pretty poor at using an actual journal in real life.
I also guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads this thing or not, it's more to collect my thoughts and save them somewhere for myself.

If someone is reading this, enjoy? And if you read my old journal, please ignore my immaturity. Keep in mind I was young and idiotic. Not that I'm not now, idiotic that is, but well you know.