Just another one of those days..

[denatonium]

Today I had a mental breakdown. This isn't really anything new but.. It seems like every time I try to be positive my world just comes crashing down right in front of me. There's been a lot on my mind lately, not that there isn't usually or always but I just can't stop thinking. Remembering. I can't stop thinking about the past and my childhood and people who are long since gone that I haven't had contact with in years. I think I have a problem with letting go. And I really wish I could. I just wish that I hadn't been left behind... I guess? I just wish that someone.. any one.. even just one of those people cared about me still or had any interest in my life or how I'm doing now. I'm sure they're all still friends with the people they met in high school. The people they met when I wasn't around. When I wasn't around but tried my best to be.. the best that I feel I possibly could when I was living far away and dealing with something I didn't even know or understand. That I still deal with to this day.

But I do wonder if my life were going well right now if I would even care about any of this. If I would even care about any of them. Am I only unable to let go because I'm miserable and bitter? And if I'm so miserable and bitter well then, will I ever be able to let go and move on.. and try to forget? Can I forget if I can't become happy?

I long for that time. To go back to the happiest time of my life. But I have to remind and ask myself if that's really better than what I have now. Because those people shouldn't matter. They didn't care enough to keep in touch with me, then they aren't worth my time. But still.. I wish they were.

















..Like every day for the past 15 years of my life